Falling for you

This morning I was sitting cross legged on my bed watching an episode of melodramatic television where one character is scared she's having a crack baby when lunchtime rolled around. I went to get out of bed and I collapsed face first onto the ground because my feet were asleep.  Not the tingly "Oh that feels like needles" asleep - fully asleep.  My legs were so numb that I was then incapable of standing up let alone walking.  It was like watching a baby horse try to take it's first steps, only one of it's legs has been cut off.  Nothing like a good old facial rug burn to start off an empty Friday.

Plague of the Lactose and Shower Intolerant Para-Educator

At the beginning of January I started working after school in the Language Arts lab helping students get caught up on work, helping them edit papers, or helping them with SAT prep (among other things). That's not really the interesting part of this story though.  Each afternoon I run the lab alongside a para-educator who also works in the school - after today's events I will call her "Smelly Feet".  I can't believe I haven't written about her sooner because at LEAST once a day she does or says something gross.  Typically it's in the form of stories - like the time she explained in detail all the ways her body has changed since high school or telling me about her lactose intolerance and how it makes her gassy in front of her boyfriend.  She also told me about the first time she had a bladder infection (she thought she had an STD - classic) AND she once bragged to me about how she can go a whole week without showering and you can hardly tell! (TRUST ME...you can tell).  On a regular (I would venture to say daily) basis I am forced to avoid sitting near her because her body odor is so strong that it fills my nostrils and makes it impossible for me to breathe.  And today...today she greeted me by saying, "I am going to take my shoes off and air my smelly feet!"  ...Nice to see you too.  That sounds like a great idea...in a classroom...full of students...of course, why not?

In other news, the other day I accidentally ended up attempting to explain gay marriage to a group of grade 9's by posing a hypothetical situation where I claimed a student and I were dating and she got mangled in a terrible car accident and the hospital wouldn't let me visit her during her dying moments because we weren't family...only when I reached this point in the story did I fully realize the intense awkwardness of the moment.