Roommate Chronicles

I have a roommate who talks incessantly.  When I say incessantly I nearly literally mean every moment that she is in the presence of another human (or even when she isn't) she is speaking or making noises.

Her favorite topics include the activities of the other people in the room.  For example as I am walking out the door, "Are you going outside?" (No - I'm teleporting to Narnia, thanks for asking).

Stating the obvious is a related but separate topic - for instance: "I'm on the phone."  Randomly.  No one asked what she was doing or even addressed her (obviously because she's on the phone, that would be rude).  But she makes sure to tell us as though she intends to begin a conversation with us about that.  But she's already talking to someone...on the phone.

Another favorite topic is television shows.  She watches nearly every show in existence and her favorites to bring up are the terrible or obscure shows that normally only old mothers or 13 year old girls watch (typically brought up at times when the "listener" is working hard to avoid conversation or immersed in another task).  I will be sitting on the couch with headphones in (an indicator that I am busy doing something else, not open to random, casual conversation) and she'll attempt to get my attention.  Normally this means the person has something important to say that requires my immediate attention (you know, my car alarm is going off, someone is at the door to see me, have I paid my rent? etc).  But no - with her it's "Do you watch Vampire Diaries?"  No.  I do not.  "Oh well there is this guy, a few episodes he blah blah blah blah....."  Cue intense irritation.

My favorite are the moments where she talks to no one.  One morning I came downstairs to make myself comfortable in a favorite chair with my laptop when I suddenly realized someone was using the downstairs bathroom.  Keep in mind it's roughly 7:15 in the morning and no one else is quite awake yet or they have already left the house.  I hear a voice coming from the bathroom...a voice that doesn't know that I have entered the room, the toilet flushes, the voice says "Whoop!  That's a big guy."  Another flush.  "That's better."  High pitched mumbling or humming ensues.  The air freshener sprays.  "Mmmmmm."

What the hell?

Today she encountered me sitting on the porch (remember that it's the middle of March) and she says "We haven't been sitting outside much lately!  Why is that?"
It's been snowing, raining and below zero.  Why do we need to have a conversation about this?

Sometimes this house feels like my high school classroom.  I may explode from over exposure to idiocy.